Sick. Sick sick sicky sicksick.

So yeah. I haven't posted for a while. That's probably because I feel like I've had the flu for that last six (SIX) months. More accurately I've been having flu-like symptoms. I've been on four or five courses of antibiotics now, and I take them, feel better, and then crash when the course is over. My doctors don't know what to do with me. Is it a chronic sinus infection? Nope. Allergies? Nope.

I'm seriously exhausted. And it's almost christmas. I hate being sick on christmas, especially since we don't stay in town so it's not always that easy to just go home. Bleh.

If anyone's reading this I hope you're having a better christmas than me.

(But I'm going to have some crafty stuff to show you soon!)

Happy October, AKA Dysautonomia Awareness month

When you have chronic illness(es) you learn pretty quickly that most people don't stick around though the tough stuff. For me, that started around 3 years ago, when I was rushed into surgery due to an ovary that went into torsion (twisted) and then into necrosis (died, in this particular incident due to lack of blood flow). At that time I had what I considered some really good friends. After my surgery my mom would not let me be by myself. This was mostly because they had to cut though my muscles to get at my ovary during the surgery, and while on a regimen of pain meds, it was still pretty painful to get up and get food and whatnot. So I asked my friends to come "baby sit" me so I could get my mom to work. After a couple weeks, when I was still boring, my friends started to drop off the map. I totally understood. I WAS boring. and it wasn't that bad because while my surgery had caused me to miss almost all my finals (and most of my teachers were surprisingly cool about it), it was summer and they had stuff they wanted to do and I would see them in a few months when next semester started up. The only problem? I didn't really see them again. That was the start of my decline into POTS and DSPS even though I didn't know it.
I was always tired and I never wanted to go out. The only thing I really did was crew for shows and I even missed those a few times because I just didn't feel good. And once again, I got it. I was boring. But it was still sad for me because I had known some of these people for 10 years and they were suddenly done with me.
Being sick is hard. Being sick for a long time, without any hope of getting better, is harder. Doing it without anyone to talk to could make you break down several times a week. After I basically had to drop out of school due to chronic pain and POTS I knew I wasn't going to be socializing for a long time. The hardest thing was that no one seemed to notice I was gone. I don't really post much on Facebook and I don't have a Twitter so no one really knows (or even notices) that I'm sick. Since it is October I'm wondering if I should just put it out there what's wrong with me. Because frankly, I just want someone to care. I really can't lose much from it. I'm not applying for jobs or schools right now, and even if I were you'd have to be friends with me to see any of my posts.
I'm hoping that anyone who's reading this is having a much better time than I am.

Oops! I'm a feminist.

There. I said it. Out loud. Well... in type.

I'm a feminist for a lot of reasons, but the most prolific one is this: I think everyone should have equal rights. Simple, right? Unfortunately, even is the US, people have problems with that.
I live less than an hour away from UCSB, where in May, Elliot Rodgers decided he was going to kill people because he was a virgin. People excuse this excuse this by saying he had alleged mental heath issues, but that is actually why he did that. That struck very close to home. I had family that went to UCSB. I have friends that go to UCSB and actually live in IV where the shootings took place. I couldn't believe that there was someone who would actually take something to that level. I was naïve.
After the incident, I started reading the articles and watching the videos that came from it and was shocked to find that there were people that agreed with Rodgers, saying that they would do the same thing.
That scared the crap out of me.

Flash-forward to today. Some article about feminism popped up on my newsfeed and I click on it as I am wont to do. I read it and I go into the comments as I usually do, because a: I actually like knowing what other people think on the matter, and b: I really feel as if I need to know how scary the world is. So that article led me to  another, then to a video, and so on. And I found a comment that was actually chilling, written by a man who says he "loves women" in a previous comment, and gets into an argument with a well-meaning women and says...

"I know what a misandrist is. I chose not to use the word. I also don't care what you think. It also doesn't matter what i think. It is you who is upset at binary code on a computer screen. I'm just using your anger for entertainment. It doesn't really matter though. The dawn of a new era is coming to a front. Soon you'll be replaced by androids who will be perfect. The perfect friend, the perfect lover, oh it'll be so great. oh, and before you get into how a machine can't give me children. I detest children. No loss. They, like most women serve no purpose. It's going to be great when I come home from a hard days work to a clean house, a great meal and a sexy fake chick who will be waiting in a cute set of underthings on with a double rum and coke for my drinking pleasure. She'll patiently wait for me to eat and tell her about my day, before she demands to pleasure me. Now before you say something about fake women, save it, most of you are fake as hell, and you talk back, and you can't cook, don't want to clean and don't want to work. Man I almost forgot, she can never get fat. This is going to rock. Now, go make me a sandwich."

I see a lot of these types of arguments, usually between MRAs who basically just want to get rid of feminism (and in this case all women) entirely, and well meaning feminists who try to correct their misconceptions about feminism and end up getting angry because there really is no reasoning with them. I don't blame them. I would get angry too, and that's why I don't comment on those things because I really don't have that kind of energy.
I think there are two scary bits to this story. There's the fact that some men would really like to get rid of all women, or at least be able to put them in a closet when she wasn't wanted and would only be brought out to cook, clean, and tend to his sexual needs, always looking perfect. I am aware that yes, there are some radical feminists that would like men wiped off the earth, but I've honestly never encountered them. However, men who would like the latter of the above options? I see them almost every time I read the comment section.
The second scary thing may just be for me. It seems, as women, that our value is only in how good we look and how much as how much we clean, cook, and "put out". In some peoples eye's our value is only there because we can have children. I really can't do much of that. While I don't have the "Disability" label, that's really what I am. I can't clean or cook very often, in fact I don't even know the last time I cooked a full meal. (I did clean last night however. The benefit to everyone else going on a trip? I get to do chores when I can't sleep. Like vacuuming at four in the morning.) I definitely don't look great. Most days, a shower is a struggle. If I do leave the house I throw my hair in a bun and put on very minimal makeup. As for bearing children, I only have one ovary so I half as many eggs, and I'd probably lose my other one if I ever went off birth control. Luckily I've never wanted children, and never thought that I'd get married, but if those things are the only things of value I have in my arsenal, I'm pretty screwed. 
Luckily I do see that a few men actually stand up to these other men. It always lifts my spirits. 

I know that this is an issue that many feel strongly about. If you do decide to comment, please keep it civil.

Back to Basics.

I haven't been writing here because I've been sick. For about 11 weeks actually. I have some flu-like virus that I can't seem to shake even after two rounds of antibiotics. Large sigh. I am about 500% done with being sick. Even though the fact that I'm sicks means I do almost absolutely nothing on a day-to-day basis, I've started my externship with a mentor dog trainer. I'm on my fourth week now, and I'm really excited to say it's been going well.  Of course it's on the same day as I have my voice lessons, so there is always one day of the week that I'm exhausted after getting home. Opposed to when I stay at home and am exhausted, of course.
In other news, my nephew just turned one! Not that I've got to spend any time with him, my sister and my BIL since he's been born, since they live on the other side of the country. And now I've got another nephew on the way. Hopefully I'll feel better in a few years so I can be the "cool aunt". It's something to shoot for at least. My mom and I are planning a trip out to the east coast in the next few months, and since it's now September and about oh, 80 degrees here every day, (I HATE hot weather because I feel like I'm cold-blooded. When it's hot out, I'm hot.) and it's getting colder over there all the time, I'm hoping that I start feeling better so I can show you some of my talents while I make a winter coat. (Since that cold blooded thing works both ways. If it's cold outside, the I am freezing.) Yeah I'm that weirdo in her mid-twenties who sews and crochets and whatnot. I learned how to sew when I was 10, but I legitimately learned to crochet because it's something I can do sitting down. I recommend it to anyone who may be confined to a bed or chair. It got me through a lot of times when I felt really down because I couldn't do anything. Working on my projects made me feel like I was actually being slightly productive. I learned on youtube, so if you want to learn practically anything, you can learn on youtube. So anyway....

Back off to my doctor to see if he has anything else that he thinks that will help, and hopefully get my like back to semi-normality. Toodle-oo. Hopefulle I'll write to you again soon.

An Adapted Pain Scale

Well I sure hope there's people other than me who think about this kind of thing. Let me set up the scenario.

You're at your doctor's office for a checkup with normal everyday pain, and the nurse asks how your pain is today. And you have to stop and think for a second because which pain scale do you use? Your own personal one or the standard one? When you have chronic pain, pain is your new normal. And normal would generally qualify as a 0 on your pain scale. Or do you say 4 or 5 which is what a normal person would say when having the same pain as you?

It's my party and I can cry if I want to.

Today I am 23 years old. I hate my birthday this year. The only thing it really marks is the fact that it's been a year and a half since I've left my house for more than a few hours a week. It has also pointed out to me that I have absolutely no friends. The last time I went out with friends? About 6 months ago. The only thing that has been different about today? A few people posted on my Facebook.  No one asked if they could take me out for dinner or plan any sort of celebration for me. My mother went to her orchestra rehearsal and my brother ignored me all day. Not that the latter is surprising as I've just found out he's apparently still angry at me for reasons I will not get into now because I'm already being horrid enough on this subject alone.

Honestly, I just have to hope that I'm going to get better. As of now, the only thing I have to look forward to is life on disability. And that's just not even close to appealing. To anyone reading this, I'm sorry. But this is the one place that I can actually state my real thoughts, maybe even to people who might be able to actually understand.

In which I throw a hissy fit.

It's hard for me to admit something is wrong. I like having people think that I have my life together, so I struggled with the concept of this post. In the end, I started this to show people what life is actually like for someone who doesn't get to do the normal things that people take from granted. And granted, there are some parts of my life that people would gladly switch out for their problems. But this is my life, and what's mine is mine, and what's yours is yours. Like it or not.

If you haven't heard, moving is stressful. Packing some your stuff, giving some (in our case most) of stuff away, and selling the rest. I've lived in this house for sixteen years, since I was seven. And tonight is the last night I will ever spend in it. It's very strange. The movers come tomorrow, and of course tonight is the time I choose to throw a fit. I like being in control. In fact, I would do everything in my life myself if I could. But there are just things that I can't do. Some things I can't do are normal, like I don't know how to re-key the locks in the new house so we called a locksmith. Some things... aren't so normal. I can't lift any of my own boxes. I have to rest constantly. If I go up the stairs or stand up too quickly I can't breathe. Those things are a little harder to give up. I should be able to do them. It's something I haven't been able to deal with and something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to deal with. I'm not well adjusted apparently.
But in the end, a little sleep solves a lot of problems. And while it's not likely that I'll get a lot, maybe I'll get just what I need.